i wasnt enough for you to want me...

We had some really wonderful times together. The memories of the things we did together are there, and I still have the photographs of our adventures, and so many cute, romantic moments.

But I can’t remember what they felt like.

It’s been mere months since the day you left, and I honestly cannot remember how it felt when we were happy. I remember that I had been in love, that I had been happy, but I can’t for the life of me remember how that actually felt.

There are many things I do remember:

The pain of being dismissed and heart broken.

The helplessness I felt when I learned that you had not told me about the finalise.

The numbness I felt as I was being gaslighted and worn down.

The heart which has been pierce in my chest in reaction to your impassiveness each and every time I told you that you were hurting me.

I remember how it felt to be on constant alert, ensuring that I was beautiful, bubbly, happy and sweet, and how I thought that if I could be more, if I could communicate with you better, then it would feel like i should put myself in your place. If I could be more understanding towards you then you would really love me, and we would be fine.

And it doesn’t matter how many times I am told that it was not my fault. 

Because this weight still rests on my shoulders: If you had actually wanted me, you would have actually tried. If you had loved me, we would never have reached this point.

And so, regardless of how hard I tried, the conclusion that I reach is always the same. I can’t understand what has happened from any other perspective other than this:

I wasn’t enough for you to want me. It's okie, i wasnt the first, i dont need to be the first, i just want to be there for you when you are down, i just want to cheer you up, i dont want you to feel lonely at home, i just want you to smile and be happy. 

And i will wait for you to be ready.