♥ karEn ♥
the gal yOu hatE
the gal yOu lOve
♥ archleV3June 2005
* Thursday, April 13, 2017 *
* Saturday, February 18, 2017 *
* Sunday, January 22, 2017 *
her body, her mind, her self was not her own.
Where she felt disjointed, ripped from her self, safety, and sanity.
It was a moment, an experience, a something where her trust was smashed, h
er worth was gone and all there was was pain.
A girl who has lived through trauma is the girl who was pushed into the
deep end of the pool when she didn’t know how to swim,
but somehow found her way to the ledge anyway.
She walked through a forest fire and didn’t succumb to the smoke,
but dealt with the burns and made it out in spite of the flames.
She found herself in free fall but refused to break upon impact.
She survived. She did.
But the thing about trauma, is that even when it is over it never really goes away.
And sometimes trauma is loud. Sometimes it’s the monster banging at the
windows and screaming gutturally and demonically inside of nightmares.
It’s nails on a chalkboard and an earthquake that rattles everyone’s floors.
It smashes everything in its wake and forces, no, demands that everyone acknowledge
its terrible, terrible presence. She won’t have any choice but to sit with
hands clapped over her ears making sounds that are barely human because
she just wants everything to stop and it won’t.
But other times, trauma is quiet. It’s sneaky.
It’s the feeling that she is being watched or that she is walking down
the street with the word ‘victim’ painted on her forehead in red and
everyone is privy to her secrets. It’s the nagging fear that if she goes
to sleep her dreams will be anything but restful. It’s the little whisper saying,
“You will never be whole again,” that itches its way into the back of her mind
and repeats over, and over, and over. And you won’t even see it because she
convinces herself that she is the only one who knows that it is there.
It’s the feeling that she is a 100,000 piece puzzle of black and grey and everyone staring at the mess realizes that putting her back together is simply not worth the effort.
So when you love a girl who’s gone through trauma, you’re saying that you see
the worth in helping her bandage the wounds. You’re saying that you see the worth
someone else tried to bury. You’re saying you are not afraid of the bad days and
you see the beauty in the good days. You’re saying that a lot of things may scare you,
but trauma isn’t one of them.
When you love a girl who’s battled trauma, you’re really saying,
“Love, let me help you heal because I believe you can.”
Loving girl who has managed to make it to the other side of a traumatic experience
is like deciding to restore an abandoned house. She has the framework and the
good bones, but you may need to spackle holes someone else left behind on the the walls.
She has the the makings for beautiful, light-filled windows, but you’ll need to
replace a few of the cracked panes with new glass. She has the door frame, she just needs a door.
She’ll make a lovely home one day, but there needs some care in order to make a space
where both of you can fit.
See, loving a girl with trauma in her history is not some choose your own adventure
or some level in a game you need to beat. It takes time, it take patience.
It’s not something you ‘win at’ it’s something you deal with day by day.
It takes a level of commitment because reality is, loving her is not simple.
She is inherently complicated. She is stained with memories she wishes she did
not have but that she will never be rid of. She is pieced together and the stitching
may be tighter in some spots than others so you have to be careful to not unravel
her with one careless tug.
But she is brave. And she is strong.
And when she realizes that you are choosing to love her, and not hurt her, she will love you back with the same kind of tenacity that it took to walk through fire.
And she will hold out her palm and show you the burn marks and instead of apologizing for bothering you with their appearance, she’ll trust you to hold her hand anyway
* Saturday, December 31, 2016 *
Another year is passing thur,
living in a time where many of us are obsess and worry about the future.
Elbowing and racing each other to see who can get there better and faster.
Sometimes without even asking ourselves if "this is the pathway that i'm heading towards"
but no matter what turns out to be
i am thankful for the nights that turned into mornings,
lungs that turned healthy,
friends that turned into foe,
strangers that turned into friends,
dreams that turned into reality,
“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language
And next year’s words await another voice.”
― T.S. Eliot
Cheers to 2017 =)
* Tuesday, December 13, 2016 *
omg...its collecting dust here ~
im so so so busy!
just back from my HMDP 1 month ago!
hopefully can blog about it soon before i fly again =)
im missing japan so much now ~
* Sunday, September 04, 2016 *
* Saturday, September 03, 2016 *
how much do we remember from the songs that we heard?
how much do we remember from the people that we've hurt?
how much do we remember from the hands that we held?
and how much from the beliefs we upheld?
how much do we remember from the secrets that we told?
how much do we remember from the heroes we extolled?
how much do we remember from the letters that we wrote?
and how much from the poems we learnt by rote?
how much will we remember from the things now we decry?
and how much from the news that make us cry?
sometimes i just can't remember
all the things we did together
the wind, the dust, the mornings will remain
but they're never gonna be the same again
and my life could never be the same again
* Friday, August 26, 2016 *
On this day 26th Aug 2016,
May you rest in peace !
Thank you for all the contributions that you have done
for Singapore, Mr Nathan
Mr Nathan, you'll be miss!
* Monday, August 01, 2016 *
Stepping into my 9th year of nursing!
Tho it has never been easy ~
Because i believe some of life's best lessons are learned at the worst times.
and from then, i just get stronger ~
has ever taught us
and the willingness to give
herself to others ~
Once a nurse, always a nurse!
Happy Nurse's Day to my fellow Nurses!!!
* Wednesday, June 29, 2016 *
Located at the southern tip of Taiwan. According to the locals, Kenting is still a country side area.
Summer holidays with white sandy beach, blue blue sky, beautiful corals &
fresh seafood with the super crowded street food when the night hits ~
Decided to book a tour the next day to travel around Kenting ~
First Stop, Kenting National Park ~
Straddling Taiwan’s southern tip and bounded by sea on three sides,
lured by its warm tropical climate and magnificent white-sand beaches,
the national park attracts million of visitors each year.
Didnt walk too far up as we still have a lot of places to go later ~
Standing on this 7th storey high viewing tower, facing the taiwan straits ~
About 4 km down the south of Sheding Park, on the edge of the coastal coral reefs,
a boulder stands erect in the sea. From a far, it looks like a departing sailing ship,
hence the name Sail Rock. It is composed of 18 meter-high coral
reefs that rolled down from the nearby plateau.
Sand Island (Shadao), covering an area of about 3 hectares, is a 220-meter stretch of glittering seashell beach designated as an ecological conservation zone; one cannot enter (including diving or swimming) without the permission from the Kengting National Park Headquarters.
Eluanbi Park, with its well-known lighthouse, voted as one
of the "Eight the Scenic Spots in Taiwan" covers an area of 59 hectares and hasthe terrain of coral limestone. The park hosts about 240 species of plants and
also serves as the best viewing site for the large group of red-tailed shrikes
in transit. The Lighthouse is 21.4m high and equipped with a large fourth order
Fresnel lamp that has the luminosity of 1.8 million candlelight & the range of 20 nautical miles,rotating its light every 30s. Today, it is called "The Light of East Asia" because
its intensity is the most powerful among the lighthouses in Taiwan.
Facing the Pacific Ocean, the western area is comprised of the Hengchun Terrace and the coral reef cliffs, while underneath are the skirt-like coral reefs.
Long Pan is a coral limestone tableland with landscapes eroded by rainwaters.
The wide grassland is perfect for watching various beautiful scenes, such as the winding coasts, slumping cliffs, sunrises, sunsets, and shining stars.
It is the grand lanscape that nature carves!
Located aside Jia-E highway on Hengchun Peninsula was use as a
MV for Jay Chow Ulekeke song ~
Tummy was growling, hence the smell of seafood is nearby =p
We went on to Ah-Jia house, that was used to film Cape.No 7,
a 2008 taiwanese romance comedic music-drama film which won many awards.
We pop by HengChung town which is the southernmost township in Taiwan.
Hengchun is also the only urban township in the southern part of Pingtung County.
Hengchun has a land area of 136.7630 square kilometers and has a population of 30,859.
It also has some of the famous or one and only dessert store set up here.
Baisha Bay, famed for its delicate white sands, is located along the Coastal Scenic Route.
Its 40-meters-wide beach stretches for about 500m and boasts a diversity of marinetime activities.
Guanshan (Mt. Guan), also known as Gaoshanyan, is 152-meter high and the best spot for overlooking the entire Hengchun Peninsula and viewing the spectacular sunset. The whole region is formed by the uplifted coral reefs, and according to the carbon isotope dating, these reefs rise at the rate of about 5 mm per year, in other words, Guanshan was under the ocean 30,000 years ago. One could literally feel the "transformations of the world" when standing on the top of the mountain. A huge reef sits on the top of the mountain, folks called it the "flying stone" because nobody knew where it came from, yet, its unwavering status constantly provides a popular photography subject for tourists.
Till the next holiday!
* Wednesday, June 22, 2016 *
During the summer,
the sight of green grass,
and singing larks is quite refreshing.
Here, one could stroll through the vast grasslands
that overlook the winding coastline and steep naked cliffs
and have an unchanged view of the endless Pacific Ocean;
the gorgeous pink clouds of sunrise and the
dazzling stars at night, all these magnificent sights
are rarely seen by the urban people.
* Friday, June 17, 2016 *
I found myself to be like a sheep so lost and confused.
Although the illness wasnt life threatening, it was somehow life-shattering for me ~
I felt like somebody has just firebombed my pathway forward and
now i have to work another way round it.
Finally face to face standing at the crossroads at the Endo Centre
where i should be seeing and maybe assisting.
Yet i saw myself changing into the patient gown, the staff don on their
air 95 as if everything has been change the opposite way towards me ~
In this 6 months when i was once diagnois with PTB ~
Everything fell ~
But im glad i have pick myself up and be positive ~
Thank you for allowing me to understand this disease more ~
Thank you everyone whoever knows about my treatment and
for all the care and concerns ~
Thank you for this 6months of treatment and follow up ~
*finally no more red pee and i could drink again*
Thank you TBC unit ~
Finally im free !
Finally i can wanderlust ~
* Thursday, May 19, 2016 *
Please be good ~
Im just due in 1 more month ~
* Monday, May 09, 2016 *
during work, i was asking my junior whats the date today ~
9 may ~
a gust of memories flow back suddenly thinking whats this date stand for which seems familiar ~
i couldnt recall it till i key in the password for my stuff and i realise ~
So i see it has been the 7th year~
* Sunday, May 08, 2016 *
She's seen me at my worst
and me at my best,
She scolded me for things i shouldnt have done,
and praise me for things i could have been better.
She cautioned me when i fell in love,
and held me when i had your heart broken.
She put up with so much of our craziness,
yet never stop loving us.
No one will ever love me like she does,
and i'll never love anyone like i love her.
My guiding lights and inspirations,
the only person in this world who knows us better
than we know ourselves ~
Thank you Mum,
for being the greatest mum of all!