bElng mysElf

     Thank you 2020! If I have learned anything this year, its that I wont ever be ready for what life has throws at me. I walk over glass, through fired and still survived the way it should be. The universe is teaching me how to be thankful for all the things that did not work out in my life. And sorry that the world wasn’t always being kind to me. But here I am. To a better me, better year!   利

  Death is a word, and it is the word, the image, that creates fear. Death is nothing, but to live defeated is to  die every day   The most  sadness of all is Dr Jeremy Ng. The whole of GES nurses, doctors and anyone who knows him broke down immediately when news fire out. It is indeed SGH loss,  but may your soul be in heaven now with the angels.  In my job scope,  i dont experience dead as much as what the ward settings has In OT, as a team, whenever pt collapse, we fight, we support,  we do everything we can just to make sure our pt dont died on table. Last 6 months of 2020 and  last 2 days into a New Year... i guess i experience the most number  collapse on table and eventually didnt make it. Being call back for my "liver call" duties... when i though everything should be nicely done by midnight. Unexpectedly, i couldnt take over as  it was a warzone, we need extra pairs of hands.   It was suppose to be a happy ending ...

 You managed to lose her.  The one woman who was willing to cross oceans for you.   You pushed away the very person who would do almost anything to be with you. She never asked for anything except one reason to stay, proof that you wanted her and that there would be a future for you both. Alas, you failed to provide that and now, she’s gone. She didn’t care that you weren’t rich or that you didn’t drive a fancy car, all she wanted was to be your lady. She didn’t care that you had flaws because she had flaws of her own. Months of spending time together made her fall for you and yet you chose to remain blind to the fact that she chose you regardless of what her friends were saying. All she ever wanted was for you to return the love which she so freely gave to you. All you had to do was treat her right.   There was no need for diamonds and roses, candlelit dinners and expensive spoils. She was a simple girl with a big heart whose only desire was to be loved and respecte...

  Ever have that moment? When someone asks you if you're okay, and you just wanna turn to them and  tell them everything. The words, the feelings, the truths are on the tip of your tongue, and all you want to do is to let them all out and say that no, you're not okay and that you really just need someone to hold you in their arms and tell you eventually, things will be okay... but you dont. You dont tell them any of that, and instead... you just force a smile, lie and tell them yes. Yes, you're okay. -Cici.B

  So that is why i will always just ask of you to be real with me and not perfect. I do not want your mask. instead, tell me about your nightmare, the memories, your sadness, your pain and heartache that scream you awake, and i will love you from there. Tell me about your childhood and the things you are still healing from &  i will love you there. Tell me about the parts of yourself you cannot look at without flinching, the parts of yourself that you are ashamed of, the mistakes that are dotted like museum exhibits along the corridor of your spine,  & i will love you from there. I do not need for you to be perpetually light filled and soft for me. That is all pretend. Just come to me as you are, stay true to yourself and i will love you as you are. I will love you in each season. will you love me too?

  Hello November ! The month to sparks joy for me! It has been a long 2 month of waiting. Thank god, it took maybe 1.5months to find this nest! It is gotten be my most expensive expenses for this trip to the North-East! And yes may this trip be the most exciting & memorable one!!! Time to look forward to my reno =) But if  if  if.... there is a chance.... i will still want to leave here....

Lyrics: Tanya Chua 蔡健雅 - 十万毫升泪水 Tanya Chua 蔡健雅 知道我不完美 能给的我都给 于是天蓝转灰转黑 也微笑不插嘴 这一次会气馁 连平凡爱一回 都才将心给谁 马上又被粉碎 满意了吗 你究竟有完没完 你烦不烦 总考验我多勇敢 有那么难 那么幸福和美满 我不贪婪 只求多些夜晚 不鼻酸 不孤单 我想要的快乐很简单 你都不管 人的一生会积累 十万毫升泪水 以为哭完苦悲苦味 能换来好结尾 并不是我后悔 爱会痛我奉陪 只是轮到我没 谁视我为宝贝 满意了吗 你究竟有完没完 你烦不烦 总考验我多勇敢 有那么难 那么幸福和美满 我不贪婪 只求多些夜晚 不鼻酸 不孤单 我想要的快乐很简单 你都不管 有完没完 我已无条件投降 我要归还 向你借来的勇敢 我不野蛮 不属于我的美满 都不贪婪 只求一到夜晚 有期盼 有陪伴 我想要你给我个答案 你却不管 你都不管 你别不管 我的伤感